Cold hands, warm shart.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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