she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
