she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
