The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
