Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
