So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
