Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
