Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
