my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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