You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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