Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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