The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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