I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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