He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
