i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
