her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
