You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Don't make out with my wife yet
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
