I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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