My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
