Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Is it because I queefed?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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