awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
