so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
