You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
