Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
