how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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