I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
