There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
