Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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