i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This baby is an asshole
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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