Apparently you make a good broom.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
