there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
