I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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