thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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