3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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