I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
