I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
