My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
