Your face is a jimmy john
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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