wakey wakey hands off snakey
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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