this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
