Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
