you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
