is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
