btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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