You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
