I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
