honey bunches of taint.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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