Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
