I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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