Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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