need another drink. this is the easiest way
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
